ear my beloved IMDB. Im not sure if your now taking sneaky advance’s, on ranking bumping’s from 20th Century Fox and Co, or you now have a 13 year old girl scout in charge of your audits. Either way, every misled and deflated viewer that digested your generous eight point something score, now wants their money back , with interest on this 2.5hrs of wasted life and dollar.
The critically acclaimed, uberly anticipated, much watch of 2014, did not disappoint. Oh no… it simply flew out of the window, crashed and burned with the hot embres scorching my eyeballs and short term memory, with visions of How I Met Your Mother’ ‘s Barney, being slaughtered like a pig. GREAT! Take away said amateur hour visuals and I’m merely left with the bitter taste of betrayal, by my usually on point cinema instincts and the raving reviews from here to Azerbaijan.
Heres my problem…
This film is nothing, if not a pure insult to it’s audience. I mean, I was genuinely in the belief that the silver screen had moved on a slither, since the days of glossing over such holey story lines. But we’re not even talking hole’s here, we’re talking canyon sized missing jigsaw pieces, that are as vital to this movie as… well every other beating organ thats missing from this car crash, like a half convincing cast perhaps? Not to worry.. Nothing that an injection of blue gel filters won’t fix. That, and a gimmick sized dosage of Emily Ratajowski’s perfectly formed breast, to distract ones intellect. #FML
Gone Girl embodied it’s “Intense, Mystery, Thriller” labelling, as much as Big Momma’s House 2. There is NO suspense, there are NO twists, just a contrived cocktail of eye gouging absurdities. I mean, its almost as if the second half of the film, forgot the first half even existed! In fact I’m pretty sure David Fincher, got so pissed off with the Gillian Flynn’s clunky screenplay, he simply walked off set and they brought Hollywood’s go-to slasher master, Wes Craven in. Speaking of which, Gillian… step away from the script! Your novel, couldn’t even hold me past the 3rd chapter and now your narcism, has stepped in the way of your own movie being a sucess. (And that’s a complimentary public service announcement, for authors internationally).
But I think what’s really niggling away at my conscience here, is the disappointing lack of silver lining in Rosamund Pikes character “Amy the freaking Amazing”. After a friend expressed how much I reminded them, of the girl that had got gone-d. I was most definitely bewildered and mortified (to put it quite lightly), to discover that was exactly where her character began and ended. A bland, yet malicious, muderous phycopath.
My popcorn now tastes sour and I may be developing a modest amount of schizophrenia, pondering the prospect that I have a previously unidentified neurotic disorder.
But, my own emotional wounds aside..
If you haven’t seen it yet, then don’t. You’ll miss it about as much as, a bout of the gout. Just ANOTHER Ben Affleck show, versus ‘The Stepford Wives’, with better lighting.
Meanwhile, on the lighter side of life. This Thor inspired piece was captured by photographer Zack Frackleton for Saks hair, styled by the stunningly talented Shaun Stringfellow.
With Love Raphaella x